Forewarning y'all... this is a long one. I want to be really honest, and get really personal, because I feel like one, there's no point in this if I'm not authentic, and two, every couple does a disservice to other couples when they pretend everything is perfect all the time. So here goes...
My boyfriend and I have been doing long distances for about seven months now. If you're in a long distance relationship, you know that it has a way of bringing insecurities, communication issues, and your greatest desires to the forefront, even ones you never knew you had. In high school, my boyfriend and I had the picture perfect relationship. We never fought, we were always there for each other, and we seemed to have our life together figured out. We knew what we wanted and what our relationship was supposed to look like. I had heard long distance was difficult, and to some extent I knew that the being away was hard, but I never believed when people said it changed your relationship. We were so strong. What kind of growth could we possibly need? Well, I learned really quickly that we had a lot of growing to do and changes to make.
To start with, I found out that I needed a lot more reassurance than I thought I did. I had always been super independent, and I never truly let myself rely on anyone else. I thought I was tough and there wasn't anything that could get to me. Soon, I came to realize that couldn't be further from the truth.
I have these deep-rooted fears of being left alone, of not feeling like I'm enough, and of feeling like I don't really "fit in" where I am. Being in a long distance relationship brought these to the surface, and suddenly it felt like I was being hit by all of these waves of things I didn't know I'd ever feel.
On top of all of that, I realized I'm terrified that having any feelings is somehow selfish, and that it's best if I keep them to myself because it's unfair of me to have them in the first place.
For the last few months, my boyfriend and I have really struggled to find time with one another. Between mock trial competitions that require me to disappear for weekends at a time, crazy class loads, and opposite extracurricular schedules, we started putting our relationship on the back-burner.
The lack of time we had to offer each other brought up all of those horrible fears and insecurities. It seemed like every time I was free, he'd have a billion things to do. He'd always have the intentions of coming back early so we could talk, but it usually didn't happen. I felt lonely, and hurt, and unimportant. But I convinced myself it was selfish to feel these things, that it wasn't fair to want him to spend more time on me when he already had so much on his plate.
For three months, I felt alone, sad and selfish. I felt like I was losing him.
But I wasn't talking about it.
That brings us to last night. My boyfriend went on a retreat with the men's organization he's a part of, and he didn't have service for most of the weekend. I missed him like crazy. I couldn't sleep, because he wasn't able to call to say goodnight. I needed him back.
When he finally got back in town though, he called to say hi, and then suddenly, he had to go again. He had to go to the store and get dinner with a friend. I just got him back, and then he disappeared again for five hours. It hurt. I felt like he hadn't missed me at all.
Here's the thing: He had no idea how I felt, because I hadn't told him. I didn't give him the opportunity to make anything better. When I told him, he listened to me, he heard me, and he wanted to fix things. So here's the moral of the story: long distance is difficult, it'll change you and your relationship, but the way to get through it is by communicating when things are difficult.
Ask yourself: what are you afraid of? What do you need to change about your relationship to make it stronger? How are you holding yourself back from being truly happy? Then do something about it.
-Makenna
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